Part One: Paradigms and Principles
This first part introduces the concept of paradigms and how they shape our understanding of the world and ourselves and gives an overview of the seven habits.
No person lasts forever, but books and ideas can endure. When you engage with these pages, you will be engaging with Stephen Covey at the peak of his powers.
Within the freedom to choose are those endowments that make us uniquely human. In addition to self-awareness, we have imagination, conscience, and independent will.
We learned not to care so much what others thought and to just enjoy his fun-loving personality. He was famous for his power naps. Frequently, he would scrunch up his jacket and put on his eye mask and take short naps to renew himself in the most unusual places, including stores, movie theaters, airports, trains, under park benches, or wherever and whenever he could find a little space and time. His enthusiasm was contagious and he taught us to live with a “carpe diem” (seize the day) mentality and to “suck the marrow out of life,” as he loved to say.
Part Two: Private Victory
This chapter focuses on the first three habits that are related to personal development and personal effectiveness.
Habit 1: Be Proactive
Growing up, we often saw him doing what he called “winning the daily private victory” early in the morning by meditating, reading his scriptures, and exercising.
As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him instead of comparing or judging him. We stopped trying to clone him in our own image or measure him against social expectations. We stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold. Because we saw him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against the ridicule of others.
It says if you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent, loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on primary greatness of character.
Because we are, by nature, proactive, if our lives are a function of conditioning and conditions, it is because we have chosen to empower those things to control us. Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. Proactive people are driven by values, carefully thought about, selected, and internalized values. Reactive people are driven by feelings, circumstances, conditions, and their environment. Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The proactive approach is to change from the inside-out: to be different, and by being different, to effect positive change in what’s out there.
Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It’s not what they’re not doing or should be doing that’s the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is “out there,” stop yourself. That thought is the problem.
Samuel Johnson observed: “The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.”
Knowing that we are responsible—“response-able”—is fundamental to effectiveness and to every other habit of effectiveness we will discuss.
Once you have that sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity.
These four factors—security, guidance, wisdom, and power—are interdependent.
Our security comes from knowing that, unlike other centers based on people or things which are subject to frequent and immediate change, correct principles do not change.
The personal power that comes from principle-centered living is the power of a self-aware, knowledgeable, proactive individual.
By centering our lives on timeless, unchanging principles, we create a fundamental paradigm of effective living.
Frankl says we detect rather than invent our missions in life.
I think each of us has an internal monitor or sense, a conscience, that gives us an awareness of our own uniqueness and the singular contributions that we can make.
As proactive people, we can begin to give expression to what we want to be and to do in our lives.
We can write a personal mission statement, a personal constitution.
The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.
As Eleanor Roosevelt observed, “No one can hurt you without your consent.” In the words of Gandhi, “They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.” It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Anytime we think the problem is “out there,” that thought is the problem. It is important to immediately admit and correct our mistakes so that they have no power over that next moment, and we are empowered again. There are so many ways to work in the Circle of Influence. There are things, like the weather, that our Circle of Influence will never include. But as proactive people, we can carry our own physical or social weather with us. We can be happy and accept those things that at present we can’t control while we focus our efforts on the things that we can. By making and keeping promises to ourselves and others, little by little, our honor becomes greater than our moods.
Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
He simply saw himself as a steward of the great work he was doing, always giving credit to others and to God.
He was never ashamed of his values and his faith and believed that if God was at the center of your life, everything else would find its proper place.
“What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say.”
The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves.
It’s sometimes a painful process. It’s a change that has to be motivated by a higher purpose, by the willingness to subordinate what you think you want now for what you want later. But this process produces happiness, “the object and design of our existence.” Happiness can be defined, in part at least, as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.
To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means to know where you’re going so that you better understand where you are now and so that the steps you take are always in the right direction.
To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means to know where you’re going so that you better understand where you are now and so that the steps you take are always in the right direction.
It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busyness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it’s leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy—very busy—without being very effective.
How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most. If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster. We may be very busy, we may be very efficient, but we will also be truly effective only when we begin with the end in mind.
“Begin with the end in mind” is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There’s a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation, to all things.
Whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are in control of it or not, there is a first creation to every part of our lives. We are either the second creation of our own proactive design, or we are the second creation of other people’s agendas, of circumstances, or of past habits.
Perhaps the best way to identify your own center is to look closely at your life-support factors.
But fundamentally, your mission statement becomes your constitution, the solid expression of your vision and values.
Writing or reviewing a mission statement changes you because it forces you to think through your priorities deeply, carefully, and to align your behavior with your beliefs.
Expand your mind. Visualize in rich detail. Involve as many emotions and feelings as possible. Involve as many of the senses as you can.
They see it; they feel it; they experience it before they actually do it. They begin with the end in mind.
I can write the program, write the script, in harmony with my values, with my personal mission statement.
Quadrant II is the heart of effective personal management. It deals with things that are not urgent but are important. It deals with things like building relationships, writing a personal mission statement, long-range planning, exercising, preventive maintenance, preparation—all those things we know we need to do but somehow seldom get around to doing because they aren’t urgent.
Third-generation managers take a significant step forward. They clarify their values and set goals. They plan each day and prioritize their activities.
COHERENCE. Coherence suggests that there is harmony, unity, and integrity between your vision and mission, your roles and goals, your priorities and plans, and your desires and discipline. In your planner, there should be a place for your personal mission statement so that you can constantly refer to it. There also needs to be a place for your roles and for both short- and long-term goals.
BALANCE. Your tool should help you to keep balance in your life, to identify your various roles and keep them right in front of you so that you don’t neglect important areas such as your health, your family, professional preparation, or personal development.
You need a tool that encourages you, motivates you, actually helps you spend the time you need in Quadrant II so that you’re dealing with prevention rather than prioritizing crises. In my opinion, the best way to do this is to organize your life on a weekly basis. You can still adapt and prioritize on a daily basis, but the fundamental thrust is organizing the week.
Most people think in terms of weeks. But most third-generation planning tools focus on daily planning. While they may help you prioritize your activities, they basically only help you organize crises and busywork. The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule but to schedule your priorities. And this can best be done in the context of the week.
Habit 3: Put First Things First
He taught us that in the long run, the only way to enduring success as an individual or an organization is to live in accordance with timeless principles.
But the principle of balancing the need to meet today’s demands with the need to invest in the capabilities that will produce tomorrow’s success is unavoidable. The same is true of your health, your marriage, your family relationships, and your community needs.
Suppose you wanted to arrive at a specific location in central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled “Chicago” was actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination? You might work on your behavior—you could try harder, be more diligent, double your speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster. You might work on your attitude—you could think more positively. You still wouldn’t get to the right place, but perhaps you wouldn’t care. Your attitude would be so positive, you’d be happy wherever you were. The point is, you’d still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your behavior or your attitude. It has everything to do with having a wrong map. If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way, then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map.
Effectiveness lies in the balance—what I call the P/PC Balance. P stands for production of desired results, the golden eggs. PC stands for production capability, the ability or asset that produces the golden eggs.
Our most important financial asset is our own capacity to earn. If we don’t continually invest in improving our own PC, we severely limit our options. We’re locked into our present situation, running scared of our corporation or our boss’s opinion of us, economically dependent and defensive. Again, it simply isn’t effective.
The third habit is about personal management. It focuses on your ability to manage your time, energy, and resources in a way that helps you achieve your goals. It is about identifying what is important and doing it first, rather than letting other people’s priorities dictate your life.
“Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.”
Effectiveness—often even survival—does not depend solely on how much effort we expend, but on whether or not the effort we expend is in the right jungle. And the metamorphosis taking place in most every industry and profession demands leadership first and management second.
Effective management is putting first things first. While leadership decides what “first things” are, it is management that puts them first, day-by-day, moment-by-moment. Management is discipline, carrying it out.
Organize and execute around priorities.
But you have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically—to say “no” to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger “yes” burning inside. The enemy of the “best” is often the “good.”
“I want it now.” People want things and want them now. “I want money. I want a nice, big house, a nice car, the biggest and best entertainment center. I want it all and I deserve it.” Though today’s “credit card” society makes it easy to “get now and pay later,” economic realities eventually set in, and we are reminded, sometimes painfully, that our purchases cannot outstrip our ongoing ability to produce. Pretending otherwise is unsustainable. The demands of interest are unrelenting and unforgiving. Even working hard is not enough. With the dizzying rate of change in technology and increasing competition driven by the globalization of markets and technology, we must not only be educated, we must constantly re-educate and reinvent ourselves. We must develop our minds and continually sharpen and invest in the development of our competencies to avoid becoming obsolete.
Part Three: Public Victory
This chapter of the book focuses on the next three habits that are related to interpersonal relationships and teamwork.
Habit 4: Think Win/Win
The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them—when they feel understood by you—that you have listened deeply and sincerely, and that you are open. But most people are too vulnerable emotionally to listen deeply—to suspend their agenda long enough to focus on understanding before they communicate their own ideas. Our culture cries out for, even demands, understanding and influence. However, the principle of influence is governed by mutual understanding born of the commitment of at least one person to deep listening first.
As an interdependent person, I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings.
Most people see effectiveness from the golden egg paradigm: the more you produce, the more you do, the more effective you are.
But as the story shows, true effectiveness is a function of two things: what is produced (the golden eggs) and the producing asset or capacity to produce (the goose).
Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. With a win-win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan.
To paraphrase Peter Drucker, effective people are not problem-minded; they’re opportunity-minded. They feed opportunities and starve problems. They think preventively.
These four factors—security, guidance, wisdom, and power—are interdependent. When these four factors are present together, harmonized and enlivened by each other, they create the great force of a noble personality, a balanced character, a beautifully integrated individual.
Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them—when they feel understood by you—that you have listened deeply and sincerely, and that you are open. But most people are too vulnerable emotionally to listen deeply—to suspend their agenda long enough to focus on understanding before they communicate their own ideas. Our culture cries out for, even demands, understanding and influence. However, the principle of influence is governed by mutual understanding born of the commitment of at least one person to deep listening first.
I first encountered this exercise many years ago at the Harvard Business School. The instructor was using it to demonstrate clearly and eloquently that two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right. It’s not logical; it’s psychological.
Each of us tends to think we see things as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are—or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our paradigms.
No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.
The fifth habit is the habit of empathic communication. It is about understanding the person and then communicating in a way that they can understand you. It is about listening first and then speaking. It is about seeking to understand before seeking to be understood.
Habit 6: Synergize
Not all paradigm shifts are in positive directions. As we have observed, the shift from the Character Ethic to the Personality Ethic has drawn us away from the very roots that nourish true success and happiness.
In order to see our son differently, Sandra and I had to be differently. Our new paradigm was created as we invested in the growth and development of our own character.
Ironically, you’ll find that as you care less about what others think of you, you will care more about what others think of themselves and their worlds, including their relationship with you.
The sixth habit is the habit of creative cooperation. It is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. Synergy is the highest activity in all life – the true test and manifestation of all the other habits combined.
The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. And if our words and our actions come from superficial human relations techniques (the Personality Ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the Character Ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won’t be able to create and sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence.
Part Four: Renewal
This part focuses on the final habit that is related to personal renewal.
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
Winston Churchill, who took naps throughout the Second World War, thereby giving himself “two mornings” every day.
How many on their deathbeds wished they’d spent more time at the office—or watching TV? The answer is, No one. They think about their loved ones, their families, and those they have served.
Remember, to learn and not to do is really not to learn. To know and not to do is really not to know.
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.
The Character Ethic taught that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their basic character.
Principles are not values. A gang of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental principles we’re talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps. When we value correct principles, we have truth—a knowledge of things as they are.
The glitter of the Personality Ethic, the massive appeal, is that there is some quick and easy way to achieve quality of life—personal effectiveness and rich, deep relationships with other people—without going through the natural process of work and growth that makes it possible.
I have seen the consequences of attempting to shortcut this natural process of growth often in the business world, where executives attempt to “buy” a new culture of improved productivity, quality, morale, and customer.
We are not our feelings. We are not our moods. We are not even our thoughts. The very fact that we can think about these things separates us from them and from the animal world. Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we “see” ourselves—our self-paradigm, the most fundamental paradigm of effectiveness. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how we see other people. It becomes our map of the basic nature of mankind.
In the midst of the most degrading circumstances imaginable, Frankl used the human endowment of self-awareness to discover a fundamental principle about the nature of man: Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.
The seventh habit is about renewal, continuous improvement, and growth. It is about taking the time to invest in yourself, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It is about taking the time to recharge, refocus, and renew your energy and commitment.
Because we already live with many scripts that have been handed to us, the process of writing our own script is actually more a process of “rescripting,” or paradigm shifting—of changing some of the basic paradigms that we already have. As we recognize the ineffective scripts, the incorrect or incomplete paradigms within us, we can proactively begin to rescript ourselves.
In developing our own self-awareness many of us discover ineffective scripts, deeply embedded habits that are totally unworthy of us, totally incongruent with the things we really value in life.
It also means to begin each day with those values firmly in mind. Then as the vicissitudes, as the challenges come, I can make my decisions based on those values. I can act with integrity. I don’t have to react to the emotion, the circumstance. I can be truly proactive, value driven, because my values are clear.
A good affirmation has five basic ingredients: it’s personal, it’s positive, it’s present tense, it’s visual, and it’s emotional.
